Don't Hate Me But, This Aromantic Reader Loves Smutty Romance
How being on the aro/ace spectrum impacts my relationship with the books I love to read
One of the most common questions I get immediately after ‘what is aromanticism’ is ‘so you’re not capable of loving anyone— like ever?’ The misconceptions around what Aromanticism is, is not just frustrating for aro people but also ventures into the realm of harm because Alloromantic people think we are soulless heartless humans for not having the same experience with romance as them. It is dehumanizing and adds to the stigma of being out and proud as a aromantic person. This is why Aromantic Awareness week exists. It gives us an opportunity to share the myriad of experiences of aromantic people. No two experiences are the same and we get to both educate each other and dispel these common misconceptions together.
Defining Aromanticism
Aromanticism is a queer identity within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum that describes people who experience little to no romantic attraction. While most people assume that romantic love is a universal human experience— something that we all desire or will eventually grow a desire for, aromantic people challenge traditional expectations around relationships and attraction.
Aromanticism exists on a spectrum. Some aro people never experience romantic attraction at all and other aro people may be what we call grey-aro meaning that they feel it rarely, under very specific conditions, or in a way that doesn’t match conventional romantic norms. Some aros can enjoy romantic relationships without experiencing romantic attraction, while others have no interest in romance whatsoever and are romantically repulsed. Many aromantic people prioritize platonic, familial, or queerplatonic relationships, which can be just as deep and meaningful as our traditional ideals of romance.
Because aromanticism is often misunderstood or overlooked in mainstream conversations about queer identities, many aro people struggle to recognize or validate their experiences. The assumption that everyone must want romantic love is deeply ingrained in our media and toxic purity culture making it difficult for aro people to articulate their identities without facing stigma or misconceptions.
My Personal Journey as a Aro/Ace Spec Person
Early in my aromantic exploration, I definitely identified as romance-repulsed. The idea of romantic relationships made me deeply repulsed, and I couldn’t understand why everyone around me seemed to crave them. But as I’ve grown in my journey, I’ve come to realize that I actually do desire connection—just not in a traditionally romantic way. Under very specific circumstances, I can see myself in a queerplatonic relationship, which is often categorized as being Grey-Aro or Demiromantic.
People have tried to invalidate this part of my identity by saying things like, “You’re just picky,” as if I’m simply holding out for the right person. But that’s not the case—I’m not experiencing romantic attraction the same way or even at the same frequency as other people. If romantic attraction were measured on a scale of 0% to 100%, my meter would be sitting at a solid 15%. Not only do I rarely desire romance, but I’m also completely oblivious to it when it’s directed at me. Where other people might feel desired, courted, or wanted, I just feel...bothered. There’s often an underlying discomfort that I can’t quite place until it finally clicks—I’m not interpreting these gestures as romantic because my brain doesn’t process them that way.
My mother described me as her late bloomer. While other teens my age started showing interest in romantic connections I just wanted new games for my gamecube, books, and picks for my guitar. As someone who experienced a very rough and abusive childhood I even thought that it was some kind of trauma that hindered me from accessing the romantic attraction everyone around me felt. I went to therapy and worked through so much of my stuff and every area of my life and relationships blossomed. However, my interest and desire for romantic connections didn’t increase. In fact the opposite happened. It was around this time that I found out what aromanticism was. I found a community of people who were also aro and begin to embrace this difference rather than trying to fix it. Because being aromantic is not something that needs to be fixed.
My Grey Aro/Ace Experience These Days
Similar to me being on the grey-aro spectrum, I am also bisexual and grey-ace. Meaning I experience little to no sexual attraction, even towards people of all genders that I find aesthetically attractive. In the past 5+ years I have dated a total of 2 people. I’m not on The Apps and I really don’t date. When I do go out, I’m not looking or hoping to meet someone either. I literally just be chillin and doing my own thing and I dont experience any feelings of there being a void or an absence in my life like i have heard Alloromantic people describe. Whenever I do catch myself imagining having a “partner,” I can only get so far before my brain glitches and I realize that most of the time what I’m actually daydreaming about is a best friend or someone who’s like found family, not a romantic relationship. Romance is never really on my mind—it’s always the furthest thing from it unless I’m giggling with a romance book in my hands.
The Aro/Ace Spec Smutty Romance Reader
Reading is my passion! Story, in all of its forms, is the one true love of my life! I got into books again like most millennials did during the height of the pandemic. This was also during the beginning stages of me exploring my aro/ace identities. The only thing worse than the ‘am i really aro/ace’ panic i was having due to my enjoyment of the romance and romantasies I was reading at the time was the way the aro/ace community made me feel for that enjoyment. No community is without its criticisms and unfortunately while the aro community can be educational and welcoming it can often feel like it comes with a criteria of who is and isn’t aromantic enough. As a Black femme person I am already under represented in the aromantic space. As a Black femme person who loves romance books I might as well be invisible. And that is why I am sharing this today.
People on the aro spectrum are not a monolith. Like all queer identities we have such a vast set of experiences. Yet I found that the more i talked about my love of smutty books or posted hot pictures of myself for valentines day to celebrate myself, the more the aromantic community abandoned me for not living up to their rigid ideals of what aromanticism looks like. It was only a matter of time before i stopped posting about this part of my identity at all. But i want other aro spec people out there to know that if they are like me— readers who adore romance through fiction regardless of their identities, you are not alone!
Exploring Romance Through Fiction
Before sitting down to write this post I drafted so many newsletters trying to curate the perfect list of Books With Aromantic Representation. There was only one problem— I have never read them. It felt dishonest to put together a list of books that just werent on my TBR. I’ve read books with aro and ace characters in them just by reading diversely but even trying to pull together a list of those books felt like a reach because anyone who has followed me for any amount of time knows I am all about the romance! I think that there will be plenty of performative folks putting together those lists this week. So instead, here’s my honest and authentic thoughts on the romance genre through the lens of someone who is aro/ace.
Consent and Safety
There is something so special about being a reader who loves a genre that is dominated by women and queer people. Romance, while often wrongfully reduced to being dirty pornographic books with no purpose has revolutionized and elevated the power of story all while prioritizing the safety and pleasure of their readers and modeling enthusiastic consent. As a aro/ace girly, I am not out here dating nor do i want to be 85% of the time. So where would i have the opportunity to explore the other 15% of my desires in a safe and consenting environment? Books! My smutty and emotionally intelligent, well plotted and humanly complex books. And of course reading the words ‘put your hands on the headboard’ is not exactly hands on experience for someone like me, books have been instrumental tools in allowing me to attune myself to my desires without having to physically or emotionally engage with others when i have no desire to do so.
This has helped me feel more confident when I rarely bless a night out on the town with the divine essence that is me— when I find myself in an intimate situation, as a grey-ace person who reads I have a better trajectory of how much or how little of something I want to negotiate. When I am connecting with someone I have a whole brain filled with so many different relationship types that has helped inform what appeals to me— and I never had to leave my house to get it! So while i can put together a list a books with characters who share my experiences, I think what i want to share is that my experience is that reading and enjoying romance, even as a person on the aro spectrum has value and has taught me so much about my own aro/ace-ness.
My Favorite Tropes (and why)!
I do suspect that my love of enemies to lovers is deeply inspired by my being on the aromantic spectrum. There’s just something so appealing to me about watching two characters want to absolutely destroy each other that really does it for me. Perhaps it’s the journey that a good true enemies to lovers take. The love they share in the end is not one that is taught in Sunday schools or influenced by the puritanical musings of forced religion. The bond they share is often not based on the imbalance of power but a celebration of agency, transparency, and enthusiastic consent. It is hard won and deeply rooted in the friendship they had to build from scratch along the way. Maybe its the deep level of trust and vulnerability that tropes like insta-love soul mates just doesn’t lend itself to. What enemies to lovers share is not this idealized American Dream with the white picket fence kinda love.
So I think what i love about the enemies to lovers trope so much is that its non-traditional. It registers as queer, as defined as opposite the societal norm, in my mind because of my own experiences. It defies how we are taught valid connections must be made to last. And while I can’t legally advocate that we challenge every person we find inconveniently attractive to a duel (even though it would be very hot) I would say that i love enemies to lovers because of it’s ability to subvert the ideology that there is only one type of love and only one type of valid connection. And I see myself in the anti-traditionalism of it all.
I also love friends to lovers. They often feel very queer platonic in nature. When done well, the intimacy friends to lovers characters share is built from the foundation of that friendship that will always take precedence over their romantic exploration of each other. And like— i just adore that! I dont like when the friends to lovers trope is really just the main love interest playing the long game… I swear to the gods this is my worse nightmare! Its one thing to establish a friendship and then figure out there may be something more than friends there, but finding out you never had a friend in that person is not romantic. It’s dare i say predatory. I literally dont want to ruin our friendship, but building off of one doesn’t sound 15% bad (sometimes).
And last but not least, I’m such a sucker for the fake dating trope! I think my love of this trope directly challenges this misconception that all aro people are heartless loveless love haters who hate all the romance in the world. It’s a spectrum! And while some romantically repulsed people may not enjoy dating at all some of us would love to have cute dates without the expectation of producing romantic feelings in return. The fake dating trope is such a fun trope for me because it’s literally my dream— all 15% of it! All the swooning trappings of all of my favorite romance novels none of the things that make me feel uncomfy as a aro/ace person? Count me in! And I know, the characters eventually fall in love but fake dating is like the sub-trope to enemies or rivals to lovers so like— [also see enemies to lovers].
Fake dating seems like a riot of fun! The endless banter undercutting the beautiful dates? Swoon! I honestly think i would date more often if there were more people who enjoyed dating for friendship and for fun! But as an aro/ace person i know I’m in the minority bc most people are traditionalist who want to date to marry not to make memories or meet new friends. And to protect the general public from falling madly in love with my adorable self, I leave well enough alone and live vicariously through my favorite characters.
3 Romance Books That Changed My Aro Brain Chemistry
(some spoilers and quotes for the books ahead)
Spring Awakening by J.S. Jasper
This queer bi-for-bi romance definitely spoke to the aro/ace in me! The FMC not only looks like me on the cover but she is me I fear! The way she describes her experience with being kind of oblivious to the MMCs gestures had me cracking up because thats so me! It would have taken me 5 business years to realize the intent:
…he’s been more obvious in his care for her. She’s not sure how she missed it before. He wasn’t shouting it in her face, but it was there. In the smoothies he makes her; the way her blankets are always folded, even if she fell asleep on the couch; the way her vase has been full ever since she started work and she hasn’t bought a bunch of flowers since day one.
Their genuine excitement of being best friends is the real romance for me!!! Like why are they so cute!?
“Are we friends? Honest-to-God friends?” Zach laughs.
“What do you mean? Mali, you’re my best friend.”
“I am?” Her eyes widen, her brows tilting at the middle like she might cry.
Zach scoffs. “I can’t believe this is how I’m finding out I’m not your best friend.”
The FMC Mali in this book seems to be demi-sexual and i really related to a lot of the ways she relates to intamcy in this book. The romance in this book felt very queerplatonic that turned into something more under the exact right circumstances and I STAN!!! This book is one of my fave romances I’ve read in 2025 so far!
Not In Love By Ali Hazelwood
As a Reylo girly [please see enemies to lovers] Ali is definitely one of my favorite authors! This book has to be one of my favorite books from her. I think that there’s this big often unspoken question surrounding aromanticism and even ace identities where people wonder are people born aro or can they become aromantic. And my answer to this is always no matter how you find yourself on the aro/ace spectrum, your experience is valid and no one has the right to gatekeep your community from you. This story explores the emotional and intimate life of rival co-workers who both have traumatic pasts. And while the characters are not explicitly stated to be aromantic, I love this book because some of their experiences made me feel seen and validated— especially a lot of the feelings I had prior to knowing Im aromantic.
This quote is that feeling of experiencing mutual attraction to someone when its not something you usually feel frfr!
He stared, waiting for an answer. And then his eyes softened. The breeze picked up between us, and he kept looking, looking, looking.
Looking.
"It's unsettling when you do that," I said softly.
He turned away, chest heaving. "I'm sorry." His Adam's apple moved. "I forget to look at other things, when you're around."
"I'm sure I do the same." I feel it, too.
He huffed out a silent laugh. "Has this happened to you before?"
"…Not like this. You?"
"Me, neither."
This conversation about thinking that they are incapable of love in a traditional sense is one I’ve had many times.
"I might be like that, too."
"Like what?"
"Incapable of loving people the way they deserve."
"Really? What about Florence? Don't you love her?"
She glanced away. "I thought I did. I know I do, but maybe not enough…”
"What about romantic love?… You think you could manage that?"
A lot of people feel like they are broken because of the way we are indoctrinated to believe that everyone should experience romance the same. And this book has some really good dialogue that captures the feelings of those early aro days for me wondering if I needed to be fixed and I found it very cathartic and validating.
Maybe. Or maybe some people are too broken. Maybe... maybe things have happened in their lives, in their past, that have damaged them so bad, they're never going to get happy endings with the loves of their lives." She pulled up her knees and wrapped her arms around them. "Maybe some people are meant to be tragedies."
I remember this feeling and I hope by putting content like this out there, more people will realize that they are not broken tragedies. That there are plenty of happy and fulfilled aromantic people out here! I still experience loneliness, heartbreak, and depression but its not because of my aromanticism— its mostly not having affordable housing and capitalism crushing my soul.
Just For The Summer by Abby Jimenez
Whew chile this book! Before I knew anything about being Aromantic, I felt like the FMC in this book. The few times I did really give it my all at trying to romantically date, that person would always end up finding their happily ever after after me! I was so young with the same rom-com notions of love they talk about here in these quotes. And its only now that I have embraced my identities and know even when i choose to love someone, as a friend, as a found family member, as my person in life, that love is just as valid as romantic love.
I love that the MMC just listened and accepted who our FMC is and didn’t try to change her into who he wanted. She had to take that journey of finding herself on her own.
I thought about the rom-coms Mom used to watch when I was growing up. The dramatic grand gestures that keep them together at the end. But that’s not what real grown-up relationships are like. They’re like this. Being mature enough to know your limits, and adult enough to accept when someone tells you what they are. Even if it breaks your heart.
I also really enjoyed how this challenges the idea that everyone has one soulmate and thats all love is…
“Who?” I said gently, holding her to my chest. “The girl you’ll meet after me. Your soulmate.” My heart shattered into a million pieces. If you had asked me yesterday, I would have said it was her. Instead she’d end up being the one who got away. Not a soulmate, just the love of my life. And unfortunately they’re not the same thing.
The MMC is someone who sees love as something two people create not this magical force that people fall into and of course I ate that up!
The love stories sold us the wrong thing. The best kind of love doesn’t happen on moonlit walks and romantic vacations. It happens in between the folds of everyday life. It’s not grand gestures that show how you feel, it’s all the little secret things you do to make her life better that you never tell her about.
In conclusion, one thing I hope to see more of in the aromantic community is allowing people to explore their identity like every other queer identity. It’s a spectrum and nothing is fixed. Our labels exists to help us communicate who we are and how we may experience the world at that moment in our lives. But we grow. We change. And so does our capacity and desires. How many times have we witness someones journey with their pronouns going from she/they to they/them to any pronouns and back to she/her. This is not indecision or confusion. It’s evidence that this person is fully invested in their journey and is brave enough to keep showing up for themselves in ways that feel authentic to each moment of their lives.
The same goes for Aromantic people. Some of us start out heavily identifying with being romantic repulsed and then later find we are open to relationships of various kinds as long as our identities are respected in those relationships. I hope that instead of treating people exploring the spectrum as if they’re faking their aromanticism when exploring different parts of the spectrum that we celebrate their courage to continue to find themselves in a world that wants to diminish and erase people like us from existing.
So No matter where you find yourself on the spectrum I want to welcome you to the part of the aro/ace community where you get to be yourself fully because your experiences are valid and you are aromantic enough!
Happy Aromantic Awareness Week! I love you all, just not in a Romantic way!
Bonus ~ Very Aromantically Specific Signs That I was Aro Before I Knew I Was:
Choosing my crushes ~ I would just randomly choose someone I thought was cute to have a crush on to fit in with all the other crush-havers. [insert photo of Adam Driver]
Unattainable ‘Love’ Interests ~ So at first I thought I had daddy issues so thats why the emotionally unavailable person was so hot… turns out it was me! I never really wanted to be with them romantically so like, I’m the problem its me! (i def dont do this anymore i was young lol)
Responding to confessions of (what i now know was) romantic love confesstions with, “You’re my best friend!” haha! apparently thats not what i was supposed to say! (or feel lol)
Telling my mom when I was 14 that i would rather die than get married (as it was modeled for me traditionally at that age)
Feeling sick and/or bothered when someone tried to advance on me romantically (or i just not picking up on it at all)
Here are some helpful resources to help you learn more about aromantic people and our identities:
🔗AROMANTICISM.ORG
🔗AROMANTICGUIDE.COM
Love love love! Great article your experience as an aro/ace is eye opening can’t wait to read more!
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